Sleep Is Separation (How Connection Softens the Edges)

As Gordon Neufeld has so aptly said, “separation is the most evocative of human experiences”.

The opposite --togetherness-- is our primary need as human beings.*

When we think about our children having separation anxiety we often think about separation to attend daycare, or preschool.  Or adapting to a new babysitter.  

And yet sleep is probably the hardest separation that we expect our children to endure each day.

Sleep is among the most vulnerable of separations we must adapt to.

Afterall, sleep is about letting go into unconsciousness.

Even if your child is not falling asleep alone in a dark room, "falling" into sleep takes a great deal of trust that one is safe and protected.

When my children were very little, I discovered Gordon Neufeld's work and his unique approach to attachment and separation.  It answered so many of the questions I had about understanding my toddler's needs, and it helped reaffirm the decision I had made to be a responsive, attachment-focusesd parent.

These days I'm deeply emersed in Neufeld's work again as I take his 7 month Intensive I: Making Sense of Children.  I'm excited to be taking it with a number of my sleep colleagues as we explore how to apply his work to the way we support the families we work with.

Many of the perspectives and strategies that I share with parents are from Gordon Neufeld's work: it forms the backbone of how I think, solve, and support sleep. In fact, the most popular posts I have written are about how to apply his work to sleep and to sleep challenges.  If you're looking to explore this more, here is a start:

 

And if you want a more immersive experience yourself, enroll in the Baby Sleep Course, where we explore how sleep works, and how to support it —with development and attachment in mind.

In the meantime, I wish you sweet dreams and a restful night.  Your baby will get there little by little.

* Gordon Neufeld, Getting Sleep Right, YouTube video. Available at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9ra898uoVM&t=377s. (April 2021).

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PPS: If support, to you, means connecting online in a group for information and perspectives, my free workshops may be a great place to start.. If tailored support is best for your family, my bespoke one-on-one work may be what helps you through. Not sure? Book a call to chat about what support would look like for your family.

Learning Curves and Resilience -Parents experience it too!

Yesterday I took my boys to a local farmer’s market that was also hosting a children’s market. My boys had had 2 weeks to create some items to sell, and the process of watching them struggle with what to make, how to make it, and what to sell it for was really interesting.

One of the most rewarding things to see happen was the struggle my child had with making a rag doll for the first time (it is uncomfortable and rewarding to see him struggle --within a threshold-- because it gives him an opportunity to persist and to succeed. As a parent, I know my biggest personal growth has come with great struggle and the right support.).

Finding ways to challenge him and build resilience and persistence has been harder during the lockdowns: there have been fewer opportunities to try hard things that are also fun and enticing and that lead to feeling competent.

As I guided him through making a rag doll the first time, the process didn’t make sense to him. He didn’t know what the next steps would be, or how each step would come together to make the final product. He had to have some faith that he’d get there in the end.

And when he did complete the first one, and decided to make another one, he was surprised at how much easier it was! What a great feeling!

It can be the same with parenting your baby through sleep challenges. It can be a struggle. It can feel confusing. The "instructions" aren’t always clear (I’d argue they are almost never clear...because most sleep instructions aren’t like following instructions on making a rag doll. They involve understanding your child who is changing weekly -or daily!- and involve ignoring the mixed messages that contradict or don’t fit with your family).

So, if you’re struggling with what the bigger plan is for sleep, I have a few ideas for you:

  1. Know that it’s normal for it to feel hard working through this. This is all new (even if you had it figured out last month, your baby is different and has different needs now).

  2. Know that baby sleep develops over time. Things get better! (even if some days it feels like you won’t ever get there.)

  3. Know that as you get to know your baby better, and as you get practice with supporting them, it gets easier! That first big bump in the road to independent sleep builds your capacity, insight, and perspectives. And one of the hardest things to practice is letting go of who is in charge of falling asleep.

  4. Know that the right level of support makes a big difference (validation, encouragement, perspective, information, and strategies that fit your family’s needs and parenting philosophy).

  5. And know, above all else, you are doing a GREAT job supporting your baby and meeting their needs. You are rocking this!

Big hugs for some rest and resilience through all the ups and downs,

Heather

(PS: would you like articles like this coming right to your inbox? Sign up for my weekly emails here.)

(PPS: If support, for you, means connecting online in a group for information and perspectives, my free workshops may be a great place to start.. If tailored support is best for your family, my bespoke one-on-one work may be what helps you through. Not sure? Book a call to chat about what support would look like for your family.

Oh the futility! (perspectives on unanticipated wake ups and other parent frustrations)

Oh the futility! (perspectives on unanticipated wake ups and other parent frustrations)

There's a sense with infant sleep that if parents break the conventional “rules” (don’t let your toddler sleep in your bed, don’t nurse asleep, don’t let your baby fall asleep on you) that something will "break" with sleep. Even if we don't exactly know why it would work that way. And even if what we are doing to support sleep is working really well!

Sleep Myth Busting: "Don't Do This...Or You'll Break Sleep"

Sleep Myth Busting: "Don't Do This...Or You'll Break Sleep"

There's a sense with infant sleep that if parents break the conventional “rules” (don’t let your toddler sleep in your bed, don’t nurse asleep, don’t let your baby fall asleep on you) that something will "break" with sleep. Even if we don't exactly know why it would work that way. And even if what we are doing to support sleep is working really well!

White Noise: What we know about hearing and language development

White Noise: What we know about hearing and language development

There's been a lot of "noise" about whether white noise machines cause changes in the brain that lead to communication/language delays and learning disabilities. Let's break down what we know, and what we don't know.

White Noise: What is it good for?

White Noise: What is it good for?

Finding ways of getting more sleep may be top of mind for you. It was for me too when my kids were babies. And it’s one of, if not the, main concerns parents have in the first three years of their baby’s life.

One popular strategy for trying to meet the goal of easier sleep with an infant is using a white noise machine. But does it work? And are there risks?

How Many Hours of Sleep Does My Baby Need?

Sleep is probably the most significant concern parents have at well-baby visits (and in parent facebook groups, and online forums, and when talking with friends over text at 2am when your baby is up...again...).

Part of the reason for this concern is the conflicting information out there on what is "normal". Today I'm focusing on the practical question: How much sleep do babies need?

What is Normal Infant Sleep from an Anthropological Perspective

If you want to geek out on infant sleep, or simply need a boost of confidence that how you are responding to your baby is reasonable, it may be worth the watch. (It's 40 minutes but even the first 10 minutes is a great encouragement for those of you wondering why it feels like you are "doing something wrong" with your baby's sleep even if you are trying to do everything "right").

Last month was Occupational Therapy Month: Do YOU know what an OT is?

If you don’t know what Occupational Therapy (OT) is, you’re not alone. If you thought you knew what OT was but find yourself surprised that my role focuses primarily on family sleep, development, and parenting, instead of handwriting you’re also not alone!

As a belated celebration of Occupational Therapy Month I’m uncovering the way OTs look at solving problems and why thinking like an OT is a great way to support families through the challenges and uncertainties of sleep and parenting in the first three years.

SKILLS FOR THE JOB OF LIVING

Occupational therapy focuses on the ability of a person to do what they need and want to do.  

For an infant or child, things they need or want to do may be learning to breastfeed or bottle-feed, reaching for a toy, negotiating a conflict with a sibling, or learning how to play Snakes & Ladders.

For parents, this may include learning to stay calm during parenting challenges, getting enough sleep, and figuring out how to get dinner on the table!

THREE THINGS I ASK WHEN I WORK WITH YOU

When working towards changing things in order to achieve what you want to achieve as a parent, there are three areas that I address: 

  1. Who you are (or who your baby is: temperament, strengths, needs)

  2. Where you are (your environment: physical and emotional), and

  3. What you want to do or want your child to be able to do (the “thing” that you may find difficult that leads to you reaching out). 

When life is going fairly smoothly, these three areas tend to compliment each other quite well.  

 So what does it look like to work with an occupational therapist for sleep challenges?

Working through an occupational therapy lens to support you with sleep may involve:

  1. Exploring your child's environment (e.g. setting up a calm sleep space, removing or reducing hazards, choosing developmentally appropriate toys, improving the air you breath);

  2. Exploring your child's activities (e.g. daytime activities that promote sleep pressure, shifting naps, adjusting sleep associations to invite sleep more easily, sensory activities that calm a child for sleep);

  3. Exploring your perspectives (e.g. how important is this to me? How might I approach this to get closer to my goals? Is there a different way to look at this that uncovers a solution to the problem that I hadn’t thought of before?)

  4. Exploring parenting style (e.g. what has been working, what hasn’t been, and where are you feeling conflict or uncertainty)

  5. Explore your child’s development (e.g. what stage of sleep development they are in, and how does that impact your parenting approach, what other aspects of development are changing and how might this be impacted sleep?)

SO, then…….WHAT IS OT?

Occupational therapy is the art and science of enabling engagement in everyday living, through occupation. (Townsend& Polatajko, 2007, p. 372) I often use the word “activity” since most people think of paid employment when they think of “occupation”. Another way to word it is to think about how your time is “occupied”: what do you spend time doing?

OT enables parents and children to perform the occupations that foster health and well-being. In the first three years this means a lot of focus on eating, sleeping, playing, and gaining new skills (babies AND parents!). It means finding a balance with all of our activities and responsibilities during the day, and having flow.

Having flow means that who we are (our temperament, our abilities, our strengths), where we are (our environment), and what we do are all aligned. When these things are not well aligned, changing one of them (ourselves, our environment, or our activities) can make a big difference in how we feel. When it comes to babies and young children, it’s often helpful to focus on changing their environment (which includes changing your knowledge and perspective on things!). But exploring health issues, sensory regulation, and development are all ways to support change too!

it’s rarely just about sleep:

Occupational therapy looks holistically at many aspects of your baby’s and your family’s lives. Here are just a few of the ways that support can extend beyond the main reason a family reaches out for support:

  • You want to understand infant development in order to feel informed about how to support it;

  • You want to explore gentle parenting strategies to get more satisfaction, joy, and confidence out of supporting your child;

  • You have concerns or questions about your child’s development even though things seem to be going pretty well;

  • You want to explore ways to adjust your home environment (simplifying, making healthier) to better support your child's development.

  • You are concerned about your child’s sleep (wondering if it is typical, and if it is, how to support it and support your own sleep, too!)

The holistic approach of OT allows us to look broadly at the challenges families face, and to appreciate that every family is unique. This means the solutions needed to solve challenges will look unique too.

Sometimes it is about shifting expectations; other times it’s shifting routines; and still other times it is about discovering a root cause to the challenge and making a plan to resolve it. But always, it’s about listening to you and what goals you have for your baby and your family.

Warmly,

Heather

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