On bedtimes and mealtimes: how capacity, connecting, and development play roles in resolving challenges

Many parenting challenges share more in common than it looks on the surface. Mealtimes and bedtimes are two such challenges. Regardless of the specifics, it often comes down to three key principles to help us as parents ride out the storm, and in doing so, help our children grow and develop through the challenge too.

Principle One: Build Capacity

Parenting (and childhood) is a work in progress. Don’t slip into thinking that what you feel you must do to fix the problem tonight (e.g. punish, bribe, yell) will help you in the long run or that short term compromises (deciding to cuddle or co-sleep, even though you never wanted to) is a slippery slope. Take a bigger, longer, slower view on this. Think of it as a 1000 day project to get to the endpoint: whether that endpoint is “falling asleep and sleeping through the night” or “staying at the table and eating all their vegetables” matters less than understanding that what you do tonight doesn’t count by itself. Tonight matters less to your success than what you do most nights in the weeks and months to come. So choose the approaches that build capacity in your children as they grow and mature. Your nurturing parenting, collaborative problem solving, and calm approach are what build capacity. And capacity builds a resilience through all the challenges yet to come.

Principle Two: Connect First. Correct Later.

In the rush to get through bedtime or mealtime, and in a misguided attempt to “make it work”, we as parents often jump into correcting what we see going wrong, rather than connecting emotionally with our children. Connecting emotionally, being responsive, and staying co-regulated, are the foundations of secure attachment. When attachment is secure, children are more receptive to correction and problem solving.

Principle Three: Consider Child Development and Skill Development.

Although we would like to ‘fix’ a challenge, and although we may find ourselves repeating a script of “nip this in the bud”, the truth is that solving this is not entirely in our power. We are working within the (amazing, unique, and inspiring) constraints of child development. Regardless of age, we cannot expect our children to master something that they are developmentally unready for, and for which they lack skill and practice. Take steps to build skill while simultaneously appreciating what stage of development they are in. This is going to take time. This, again, is a 1000 day project.

What if my child leaves the table at mealtimes?

When it comes to the scenario of how to keep our young children at the dinner table, for example, I look at it with these three principles in mind. First, we are building capacity to stay at the table. Second, we are connecting, rather than punishing them for not complying. And third, we are appreciating that staying at the table is a skill requiring time (and development) to master. It is a work in progress.

With these three principles in mind, here are the three strategies that may help support your goal of having your child stay at the table:

1. Make it engaging to stay. Start a tradition of going around the table to share the best thing that happened, the worst thing, or the funniest thing. Work on lengthening the time.

2. Make it comfortable to stay: feet that can reach a stool or the ground; relaxed; enjoyable food.

3. Make it worth coming back: end on a high note, even if it is not the entire meal --adults get talking or younger siblings take for.e.ver. to eat. Let them know that they can leave when they are done if they (for example) ask to be excused, and then bring their dishes to the sink --something that demarks the end of the meal. Make the end of the meal pleasant rather than something to dread.

What happens if they won’t stay in bed?

The same three principles (build capacity, connect before you correct, and think developmentally) can apply to working towards having a child stay in bed and may look like this:

1. Make it pleasant: reading a book, special one on one time with one parent cuddling with them, and other rituals and routines that a child can look forward to can make bedtime a highlight of the day, rather than a rotten end. Finish the day on a highly connected note, and bridge to the next connection, rather than focusing on the departure;

2. Make it comfortable for them to get the support they need (so that they won’t ask for it when they don’t need it!): punishing them for leaving their room does not make bedtime feel more comfortable. It makes it feel threatening and it taps into what Gordon Neufeld calls counter-will: the harder we push for our kids to do something, the harder they push back (though I think most of us have done this as adults, too, if we are even remotely inclined to be stubborn!). Having routines that are expected and anticipated can make the process more comfortable, as well as letting our children know we are there for them (even if we really wish they didn’t need us at this point in the evening!). Make sure they are not hungry, or thirsty, too hot, or too cold. Make bedtime feel safe.

3. Understand the readiness for sleep as a sweet spot: bedtime, for a child, is not a means to an end….they might not want the day to end at all! Despite your frustration, remind yourself that a child who is primed for sleep is more likely to stay asleep; one who is rising from bed has an unmet need: physical, emotional, or developmental. Treat their entry to the living room while you’re finally watching TV with calm empathy, and an open heart. Yelling may get them back to the bedroom, but it will not set a great stage for building capacity the following night. Bring them back up calmly. Stay with them if they need that (they won’t always need it, but if they get support on the nights they do, they’ll be more likely to do without on the nights they don’t. Neufeld calls this “chasing attachment”. Kids will literally “chase” attachment right out of the room as you leave if they are not feeling securely attached in your absence. Building this takes time.

Ultimately, it's progress, not perfection, and it is as much about checking in on our own expectations and values, as it is about enforcing them. Know, as well, that if one meal or bedtime ends differently than you would like, you still have a choice about making it a power struggle or not --you can reflect and re-evaluate....and you can ask even quite young children for ideas on problem solving (when everyone is calm and rested and not really hungry!) --you want one thing, he wants another. How can we fix it so that we are all getting what we need? 

In the end, we have the power to empower our kids as they grow developmentally and in skill. However, in our effort to feel in control, we often use that power to enforce, under the false premise that if we don’t fix it or force it, we are being permissive.

By looking at conflict and transitions (of which bedtimes and mealtimes are prime) as opportunities to connect and empower, we can avoid power struggles and help our children move developmentally and emotionally towards competence and self-regulation. And isn’t that the goal?

Life is Like a Jigsaw Puzzle

Photo Credit: Marco Verch, Flickr, puzzle pieces in disorder

.I was working on a puzzle this week......and it dawned on me that putting a jigsaw puzzle together is a lot like parenting. 

When I work on a puzzle I usually start with a concrete set of steps: finding the corners, gathering the edge pieces, sorting pieces by colour.  It's a fairly systematic and structured approach, and it's a great way to get started.

Eventually, however, this approach doesn't work as well and I find I take a figurative step back, and take a big picture approach.  I let intuition guide me about what pieces may go where and, to my never-ending surprise, I find I get the right piece in the right place without a lot of thinking about it.

Parenting is a balance of problem-solving and intuition

When I work with families I often talk about the balance between problem solving and intuition.  I talk about breaking down the situation and looking for clues about what pieces are missing that will create a sleep-promoting environment and improve the situation for everyone.

Following our intuition can lead to pretty big shifts towards resolving challenges

But I also talk about tapping into intuition -around what your baby needs, what might be getting in the way, and what may, in the end, be an opportunity for some trust in the process: that when babies get what they need (unconditional love, nurturing, and meeting their needs) and when we tap into our awareness, reflection, and intuition, things can shift in surprising ways.

Complex sleep situations still require a dance between intuition and intellect

As sleep situations get more complex, and baby's medical history and a family's history become more complex as well, this exploration of intuition versus intellect remains.  Some situations require more concrete thinking and problem solving.  Others require more reflection and exploration of deeper things.  But always the two are explored.

As we approach a season of excitement, disruption of routines, anticipation, and stress, I encourage each of us to approach parenting as a puzzle that requires both our brain and our heart.

Warmly,
Heather Boyd, O.T.Reg. (Ont.)
Occupational Therapist
 

Feeling like you'd like support around a parenting puzzle you are trying to solve?

Let's talk about what that might look like:

Nightweaning: Evidence and Experience

Artist: Grace Laidlow. Shared here with a donation to the artist. Art in the Public Domain. https://www.publicdomainpictures.net/cn/view-image.php?image=211133&picture=

When nighttime sleep has been a challenge for breastfeeding mamas, many will turn their attention to the question of whether night weaning from breastfeeding will lead to a better night’s sleep.

After all, it makes intuitive sense that, as Jay Gordon suggestions, if the diner is closed, there’s no point waking up for a midnight snack.

In this article, we will take a look at what we know about night weaning and explore what may work to support night weaning in an evolutionary and nurturing way.

In addition to exploring strategies for night weaning, I’ll indulge in a bit of storytelling, too, as I share my night weaning experiences with my three children. Most of the suggestions below assume that you are considering night weaning a baby over 12 months of age, and that your toddler is bed sharing with you, or are continuing to room share with you: the effort of continued night feeds for a child down the hall makes it likely that toddlers who are sleeping in their own room are already weaned. Also, night weaning before 12 months has special considerations that include development and growth that I won’t cover in this article.

The challenge for some parents (though not all) that emerges in the toddler years is that as parent longing for some personal space goes up, so does toddler restlessness, acrobatics, long lazy latches, and nighttime nibbling. Nipples get sore, heads get kicked by flailing toddler arms, and toddlers go through periods of increased feeding for comfort, emotional connection, nourishment, and more —nothing close to the straight trajectory towards natural weaning that we pictured when we first imagined natural child-led weaning. It can feel like a return to the early days of feeding, except kiddo is three times as big, and waaaay more active. Parents who are nursing a toddler through the night probably recognize some similarities with nighttime at the 7 to 10 month mark too —a typically challenging period of time for infant sleep.

As decisions are made about if and how to night wean, it can be helpful to keep two questions in mind: what are you reasons? And what are your goals?

I want to emphasize that when we, as parents, have decided we are “done” and want to end the nursing relationship, it is ok! Sometimes this is out of frustration, fatigue, being “touched out”, or wanting some flexibility through the night (to work, to rest, to be alone). As decisions are made about if and how to night wean, it can be helpful to keep two questions in mind: what are you reasons, and what are your goals. The answers to these questions will help guide your actions, and will also help you evaluate things, and change course (subtly or significantly) if what you are doing doesn’t align with your goals. Your goals, of course, may change too!

Often, breastfeeding parents feel that night weaning will reduce night waking. That connection is quite murky —I could find no evidence to support this idea in the literature, though certainly there are some children for whom this is true, anecdotally. I would suggest that in terms of sleeping through the night, it be approached more as a developmental skill, and one that may or may not be impacted by night nursing. However, despite this, moms may still feel a strong pull towards night weaning for their own physical comfort, and their desire for some bed boundaries and personal space. These are important things to honour!

There may be sweet spots that, developmentally, can make it better “timing” —these generally happen between Plooij and van de Rijt’s popular “Wonder Weeks” in addition to other frameworks of developmental jumps. However, timing isn’t everything —your needs are factors here too.

Before we delve into how to night wean, let’s take a peak at what we know about night breastfeeding.

Research doesn’t tell us much about weaning. And research tells us even less about night weaning. What do we know? We know that:

• up to 1/3 of a child’s nutrition at 12 to 24 months of age can come from night feeding (WHO, 2015);

• breastfeeding beyond the first and second year of a child’s life is recommended if it aligns with what a family feels is appropriate (CDC, 2014); and

• night weaning can be among “the most logistically and emotionally challenging” aspects of weaning (Cuniff & Spatz, 2017, p.93)

• Night feeding and bedsharing are highly correlated
  

What does that mean for moms who are ready to night-wean? It can be gradual. It can be your decision. And it can be difficult. But, as with many parenting situations, being difficult doesn’t necessarily mean it is not the right decision. Weigh the benefit and draw backs, be flexible, and be gentle with yourself. This, like so many other aspects of parenting, requires flexibility and an open mind.

Weigh the benefits and draw backs, be flexible, and be gentle with yourself.

Here, then, are some insights for those who have decided to nudge things towards night weaning.

One of the more popular suggestions for night weaning parents is Dr. Jay Gordon’s nighttime weaning process (Gordon, 2002). For kiddos above the age of twelve months (and more than likely 18 months and older) who are ready, his process can work well. However, in practical experience, these steps can be difficult, and distressing especially at a younger age —there are gentler, more developmentally-guided approaches. Likely, if his approach (some of which are incorporated in the suggestions below) is not working, it is not good timing: pause, re-evaluate, and try again. It is ok to stop, and wait for a better time. Other strategies that can feel more respectful, flexible, and gentle, are included below and are drawn, in part, from Elizabeth Pantley’s book, “No Cry Sleep Solutions".

I don’t remember many of the details of weaning my first born. I know there were portions of the process that were not easy. And there were a few re-starts, and pauses, and “try agains”. My toddler would rather have nursed, but I don’t recall the transition being an exceptionally difficult one, and the glorious indulgence of a bed I could stretch out in was pure bliss—a welcome focus on my needs after the intensity of the first year and a half of parenting, was nothing short of amazing.

With our second, I was glad to be done with night nursing by about age 2, motivated by my own worthwhile need to have my body be my own at night. It is not a decision that I regret, though I do know there are 101 different choices, options, strategies, and nuances that can make night weaning look different for every child, and every family.

We chose what we felt was best for us, with a great deal of flexibility, and our eye on the big picture: night weaning would happen eventually whether we promoted it or not. A bit of nudging in that direction was just fine. And assertive communication from our toddler was worth evaluating and re-evaluating: was our expectation of him reasonable? Was it best to wait a bit longer? Does this feel right?

We did play some musical beds during this period: sometimes my spouse was the one cuddling our weaning toddler at night, and we did not balk at changing the plan from night to night (or part way through the night!) if what we were doing was not working well for any one of us.

Night weaning generally falls into the “can do, but don’t have to” category of parenting decisions. Weaning will happen over time, even if you do nothing in particular to nudge it along.

By toddlerhood, parents are adapting to the assertive and big emotions from toddlers who don’t (can’t) always have their needs or desires met in precisely the way they would like them to be met: no matter how much they want to, they cannot run across the road, smash a glass on the floor, or hit their sibling. Night weaning, however, generally falls into the “can do, but don’t have to” category. Weaning will happen over time, even if don’t do anything in particular to nudge it along. If the timing is right for you, it’s a matter of balancing needs, and moving flexibly and sensitively towards your goal.

Keeping an open and flexible mind allowed me to use our toddler’s room for night weaning. The time spent with him at bedtime and through the night helped me figure out what parts of night weaning were workable, and what parts needed tweaking. There were many missteps (the bruise on my forehead from a sippy cup thrown in frustration by my toddler being one of them). My “in the moment” goals around night weaning shifted depending on how tired I was. What felt most important to me was to honour the ebb and flow: to know that I was not “giving in” if I chose to breastfeed him, and to know that weaning would happen eventually. Night weaning when mama is ready, but baby isn’t quite on board, is an exercise in respecting everyone’s needs, and finding solutions that work best under the circumstances.

With our third, I needed to be on medication that, based on multiple sources, required weaning. It was, quite frankly, an awful process for both of us, as neither of us was ready: I had had my intentions to night nurse for longer than I had the other two, and the sorrow and frustration we both felt with early weaning was heavy. If you are experiencing a similar situation, Dr. Jack Newman’s International Breastfeeding Clinic is a highly recommended resource for working out the necessity of, and the details of, weaning due to medical/medication needs, particularly with the closure of Sick Kids’ Mother Risk organization. If night weaning is not your personal goal, but appears to be medically necessary, gathering all the support you can to make a workable plan. This may include strategic, professionally-supported timing of medication, as well as validation of your feelings through this process, and practical strategies for paving the way.

Nurturing strategies can be applied to make the process of weaning smoother.

If night weaning is necessary, know that sometimes there are factors beyond your control, and that you have many other nurturing strategies at your disposal for maintaining a strong bond with your baby, even if circumstances (medical or otherwise) lead you to night wean before one or both of you are ready. Know as well that if night weaning is right for you, these nurturing strategies can be applied to make the process of weaning smoother, and respects the emotional well-being of both you and your baby.

If night weaning is chosen for your own well being, know that that is an important reason in and of itself. Night weaning before a child is ready can be challenging, and pulling in all the supports and strategies you can is important, too.

The following are some strategies to consider when night weaning your toddler.

Strategies for Parents Who Feel “Done” with the Nighttime Feedings:

1. Reflect first. Is this feeling like a permanent shift in your feelings around nighttime nursing? Or is this feeling a blig in the road? Are you doing this for you (great! If it’s not working change it. Your priorities and preferences matter!) or is there pressure from others? I use a nighttime weaning readiness checklist with clients to explore this further.

2. Eliminate barriers! Reflux, excema, tummy issues, and respiratory difficulties (apnea, environmental allergies, stuffy noses) can lead to frequent night nursing to relieve discomfort. Addressing these issues, and resolving them as best we can, paves the way for meeting night-time weaning goals. Occasionally something as straightforward as a diet change or fresher air in the bedroom can improve sleep, and make night-time weaning easier.

3. Change it up: the bedtime order of breastfeeding and cuddles may not have a huge impact on overnight feeding, but it can help some parents feel that they are moving in the right direction. Toddlers may wake up sooner when they first shift away from nursing to sleep (we don’t really know —and some toddlers coast right through to the usual next wake up). Regardless, with the right routines in place, and an approach towards flexibility and gradual separation of nursing and falling asleep, your toddler may surprise you with their readiness.

4. Close up shop: in the early days of breastfeeding, nursing shirts and button pajamas make it so much easier to breastfeed. If you are looking to wean, a change of clothes may be helpful. By switching to pull over shirts you’ve created a mild inconvenience; not enough to dissuade a child who continues to need the breast at night (physically or emotionally), but enough that a child that could take it or leave it might decide it’s not worthwhile. Button-up pajamas on backwards never appealed much to me, but by the time I was ready for nighttime weaning, the buttons on my pajamas were so loose that I may have seemed to have a flashing (no pun intended) neon sign that said “no need to knock: the door is already open”.

5. Different space, different parent: Shifting primary parent at night to your partner, and potentially to a different room (a twin mattress floor bed in a toddler-proof room, for example) can allow for some musical beds. For a toddler who is ready, the different caregiver and different environment can make the shift through night weaning easier. A favourite sippy cup of water might help too, and expressed breastmilk in a bottle may help bridge the change.

6. Shorten the meal: Keeping the nursing time to shorter and shorter intervals can still give toddlers the comfort they seek from the breast, while reducing how long they are on, and giving them the opportunity to adjust to coming off the breast before falling asleep. Your toddler will let you know loud and clear if they are ready for this! Adjust the interval if it’s not working as well as you hoped.

7. Shorten the hours: Choosing a window of time when the diner is closed can work well for some kiddos. Some parents have “closed” one breast, and have found that the lower flow of the other breast has led rather smoothly to less interest in nursing.

8. Use language to bolster your plan! Sometimes as parents we forget that our words, and tone of voice matter. In addition to reading picture books about night weaning, and explaining what to expect (in clear, simple words), having a short phrase to say at night as you unlatch or as you turn down a request for nursing, can have a profound effect. Not only is your voice one of the nurturing nighttime tools you have, but the combination of your simple, and soft words, with your actions can help move the process of night weaning forward.

9. If it’s not working, it’s ok to pause, and re-evaluate. Sometimes timing is everything. I know how challenging it is to set your mind on something, and then have half a dozen other factors completely knock over your carefully laid plans: two year molars, a move to a new room at daycare, family vacation, and illness, can all make your dream of a night without nursing seem impossibly difficult to achieve. Pause, re-evaluate, and try again. No parent should feel they need to continue night nursing when they feel “done”, but it is ok if it is a jerky walk to the finish line: be gentle with yourself through the ups and down, and look at the trajectory over time.

As with all stages of childhood and motherhood, weaning is a natural and expected part of the mother/child relationship. As babies become older there is a shift more towards balancing the needs and intentions of both mama and babe. It is ok to move towards night weaning when you are ready. And like so many other aspects of mothering, it is a dance: with some back and forth, a shift in who is “leading”, and the occasional toe might get stepped on! You are both on the dance floor together, but sometimes mama gets to pick the next song.

RESOURCES:

Picture Books on Weaning/Night-Weaning

Havener, K. (2013). Nursies When the Sun Shines: A little book on night weaning.

Susan, M. & Low, H. (illustrator) (2018). A Time to Wean.

Saleem, J. (2014). Milkies in the Morning: A gentle night weaning storybook.

Parent Books on Night-Weaning

Wessinger, D. et al. (2014). Sweet Sleep: Nighttime and nap time strategies for breastfeeding families.

Gordon, J. (2002). Good Nights: The happy parents’ guide to the family bed (and a peaceful night’s sleep!)

Pantley, E. (2002) The No Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night.

Plooij, F. & van de Rijt, H. (2010). The Wonder Weeks: How to Stimulate Your Baby's Mental Development and Help Him Turn His 10 Predictable, Great, Fussy Phases Into Magical Leaps Forward.

Online Resources

Bonyata, K, Flora, B., & Yount, P. Night Weaning, www.kellymom.com.

Sears, W. & Sears, M. Night Weaning: 12 Alternatives to the All Night Toddler Nurser. www.askdrsears.com.

Peer Reviewed Articles

CDC (2014).

Cunniff, A., & Spatz, D. (2017). Mothersʼ Weaning Practices when Infants Breastfeed for More Than One Year. MCN, The American Journal of Maternal/Child Nursing, 42(2), 88–94. doi:10.1097/nmc.0000000000000310  Accessed online June 13, 2019.

World Health Organization (2015).